All our experiences with surrender, roles of service, and awakening are unique. Ultimately, we all walk our paths alone but one of the most rewarding aspects of being a teacher is connecting all my students together and seeing the common threads and strong connections that develop in groups and between individuals.
This inspired me to start encouraging people to reach out to me with questions they were willing to have answered in an open forum. We can all share in whatever light I can shine on the topic and create another nexus of safety where you might find the answer you were looking for without having to ask, and to get that comfort of knowing other people are having experiences like yours.
This week we are going to start with the question from Silje of Norway:
You mentioned that you “midwifed yourself through” the end of your process, and I’m wondering if you would be able to share a bit around what were some of the resources that supported you through the final stage?
This is such a great question and one for which there is no simple or generic answer.
What each person needs in each phase of Kundalini awakening varies, is unique, and can at times constantly change. In the latter phases, the process also gets more subtle so what you bring to care for it becomes at some levels, much more subtle too.
So that leads me to need to pop in a disclaimer that in answering this question and sharing my journey, in no way am I implying that this is what will work for you or speed the process of completion, this is simply how I midwifed my own process.
I also hold a strong awareness that the kundalini process has its own intelligence and natural speed so, therefore, does not benefit from being pushed in any way. We are here to surrender to it in a way that is sustainable and safe.
So, in order to answer this question let’s explore what does it mean to midwife something.
The term midwife comes from “mid” – meaning “with” and “wife”…essentially to be with the wife as she gives birth. A midwife supports the well-being and health of the mother and child at all levels to ensure a healthy and successful birth.
Thus, “to midwife Kundalini completion” means “to be with” Kundalini as she completes and to simultaneously be with yourself, your body, psyche, spirit, and energetic system as the spiritual “wife” giving birth to the completion of kundalini awakening.
In many ways in Kundalini journeys, the roles are interchangeable and actually need to be possessed in a kind of fluid duality with Kundalini – sometimes you are the midwife and sometimes Kundalini is, and vice versa.
As the terms imply, the most important element of midwifing your kundalini completion (when you are in the midwife role) speaks to your way of “being” with the process, being with the birth.
In the final phases of Kundalini, which I call “Acceleration to Completion” and “Union” (followed by Integration) these stages call for a powerful set of inner attitudes that hopefully you have been cultivating in the earlier phases and years of your Awakening. They show up again to assist you in this phase. An inner attitude is an intention and set of feeling qualities that you can bring to the way you meet your awakening process and what it asks of you. It is not only the attitudes you bring but the consistency and kindness with which you bring them that are important.
For me, my biggest and most important resources in midwifing this phase were my way of being and my inner attitudes to what was happening, which came to feel like a kind of grace both within me and bestowed upon me by Kundalini Herself.
Here is a list of some of them:
At this point in my process I was in deep surrender to Kundalini, no complaining or resisting or objecting to what was happening even when it was tough which was in some ways all the time at this endpoint. I was constantly with the process. I was devoted and in alignment as much as I could be. I didn’t care anymore, it didn’t feel like I had any alternative option. The surrender allowed the process to move through my being with extensive ease despite intensity and cumulative speed. Without this surrender, it would have likely been very painful, extremely difficult and far more protracted. In a weird way, I came to like this most aggressive and confronting change process. My Kundalini process had been consistently hot and intense because I entered it with a system heavily laden with complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
At the same time when I reflect back I was not particularly confident or self-assured in the awakening, I was more surrendered and open, childlike. So surrender was an important medicine and Grace. Without it I simply have no idea what I would have done.
Surrender also kept me humble, and this was a relief.
Trust and acceptance
By now I trusted Kundalini, loved her even. I trusted Kundalini without knowing why, my heart was fully open to her, to myself and anything that arose in me.
I gave up wanting what I wanted, I surrendered to what she wanted, to her wisdom, her process, her flow, accepted the limitations and losses she asked me to bear, the uncertainty of my future that she asked me to live in, because I could feel in my bones what lay beyond was profoundly trustworthy, even though I had no idea in reality what that was.
From here I lived in acceptance of the process, I accepted the challenges, the insomnia of the last phase because of the accelerated awakening speed, the isolation, the “weirdness of my life” compared to those around me living the normal lives of people in their thirties and having all the “thing” I did not seem able to have.
I was in a state of deep curiosity with the process. Open and inquisitive to what came next, to each brush stroke of awakening upon my being. Willing to learn, a disciple of Kundalini.
I also lived from a Beginners Mind, I had absolutely no maps for what this phase meant or would lead me to or entail. And I knew I had no external maps. I had tried to find them and failed. I had no guides and no internet to rely on nor anyone to speak with or seek comfort from. I was alone. I befriended the unknown and let myself dwell there at all times. This also helped me not to grasp at things. Grasping was difficult anyway because whatever I tried to hold on to would be dissolved or pulled from my grasp very quickly at this point. In some ways not having maps helped me and was a resource because it prevented me from pasting expectations on the process or grasping at signs that I was going in the right direction. Instead, I could feel the right direction was simply inside me. Inside Kundalini. By this point in time, I could feel Her intelligence, Her activity and She knew where we were going.
At this stage much of my egoic resistance to the process had congruently dissolved, so it was almost natural to dwell in these attitudes, I didn’t need to try, they just happened. These attitudes seemed obvious to me. So much else had dissolved and gave these inner attitudes space to take root and support me. They were gifts of awakening itself rather than something that “I did”. In some ways I did not own these inner attitudes at all, they were Grace itself.
A Few External resources:
While I had these inner and outer resources this does not mean it was a breeze, it was intense!! But I kept finding ways and spaces to be with the intensity. In the last months I barely slept, I watched a lot of possums in the trees from my bedroom window, wondering if sleep would visit me that night! I leaned into the trust that it would all work out, and it did.
Kundalini raked my whole being with a comb whose teeth became finer and finer, requiring me to look holistically at my life and create a special set of living rules.
At that point in time I drew on all the difficult personal processes I had engaged in over the years, painful bodywork to get the trauma out of my body, deep trauma therapy and other modes of healing that were cathartic, releasing, but I hope to never repeat! I was able to draw on the resources I had already built in the past, they set me up and gave me structure.
Everything I had done until this point, became the resources I drew on to help me through the final phase. I had invested a lot and realised how interconnected all my previous groundwork was to become.
Even more than usual this became a big factor in successful completion for me (and it may or may not not be so for you). In the last year of my awakening I gave myself the most exceptional nutrition ever in my life, no alcohol, coffee, no chemicals ( I still largely abide by this) and no processed food at all and no chemicals from foods, and almost all organic food. I drenched my body with smoothies, cold pressed juices, fruit, homemade foods made consciously with love. I studied living food nutrition by borrowing books from the library, watching videos and listening to talks. I charged my water with sunlight and crystals to bring high energy in and make my water alive. I fuelled my cells with living food because I was aware that the rapid amount of cellular change my body was going through to manage the change and integrate the consciousness of my nutritional level was central and extreme. I was a little ungrounded with my vegan diet at the time, and after my awakening, I needed time to integrate more proteins via my food, before returning to veganism with some fish. I have no doubt this made a massive difference to my completion process and made it possible to complete it sooner. I did feel like a high-speed ferrari on these foods and it was quite something to learn how to drive a purifying and purified system. This allowed my Kundalini to accelerate with increasing speed and clearer highways in my being. Again, I do not recommend my nutrition process, it is simply what worked for me. You will need to drop in and experiment, finding your own center and relationship with food, nutrition and plant medicine.
My home space also supported me, I was quite hermetic. I lived in a cottage, in the woods, in the mountains. I spent time in nature everyday, walking my dog in the forest. This was a non-negotiable and became like a ritual observance to self, kundalini and my relationship with all the spirits in the natural world. Nature was a massive resource and I am not sure I would have made it without her. I stayed out of the cities in the last phase as I was extremely sensitive to vibration and magnetic fields and the everyday energetic buzz of city life was too much.
Discipline was central to the last phase of my awakening, I was obedient to my process, its deepest needs, and how I used my resources. I listened closely and constantly to actions needed and took them. I stayed very much on track, consistently disciplined with the things I knew were right for me and adjusting that where necessary as the process evolved. Not doing this felt immediately awful anyway, so that made it easier to stay on track.
There was no sabotage, no wavering, there was full and dedicated support to the Kundalini process in those later stages.
I didn’t oscillate my behaviors – I didn’t decide one day to honor Kundalini with caring for my well-being and the next day to try to go drink lots of alcohol, and imbibe foods, vibrations, or contrary experiences that were not supportive. I see this a lot with people in these phases. They are not called to be so dedicated, it may not be their path or they do not want this path or fear it. It’s also important to know that is ok, it will simply take longer and this is perfect too. There is no need to speed through this phase and I often encourage people to take it slowly, to extend it out, to make it easier and more sustainable.
For myself though, I was a warrior in my discipline, I stayed true even if it meant missing out on things those around me were experiencing. I had a martial arts-type focus. I made myself an initiate to the trials of Kundalini and in this way formed a mental path and relationship with her that was organically moving towards an end goal.
I was at the point where there were no options for anything else. I was being consumed by awakening and it was up to me how easy I wanted to make that process of being consumed to be.
Creativity and the Mystic
I used a lot of creative expression of my awakening journey – trusting the Jungian process of giving the unconscious form, I would paint and write and journal what was happening in my awareness.
I did yoga, meditation, and prayer daily, as I had come to a place in my awakening where I could return to a lot of spiritual practices as long as they did not heat up my Kundalini. They nourished me.
I also saw Kundalini as an art form and she was my number one project not only was I the artist but I was also my own ally.
So while this is a list of the highlights, there were so many more subtle resources and ways of being that helped me in this phase.
My advice would be to cultivate your own set of attitudes and ways of being that truly support you. To look at the discovery of your own Kundalini-friendly lifestyle as the most important activity you can engage in.
Be your own ally, be disciplined with both softness and love, if this is your calling.
Only you can know from moment to moment what you need to midwife yourself through the end phase of your own awakening. Remember my big key was to be consistent with what attitudes and approaches I chose.
Please know that it is possible to complete Kundalini. If I could dive through blindly, with no resources beyond myself, you too can find your way – from the depths and intensity of purification to the final phases of preparation and alignment, then dance into the freedom that lies beyond you.
That said, there is no way to “make” the end happen, that in itself is its own mystery, all you can do is lovingly and diligently prepare yourself to be the bride for the mystery itself. And/or be its lover, friend, mother, midwife any all of the roles that imply and create nourishment and nurture.
Though remember my friend, it does not “end” with freedom arriving, for that too seeks to be integrated and embodied. That has its own requirements, and then from this foundation, awakening will seek to live and express through you. The journey of how it deepens itself to infinity.
And this, I can truly say, is a worthy and fulfilling path to walk.
May you blossom!