Kundalini in many phases was like wandering in the dark with my hands outstretched! I am sharing some elements of my story today for those of you who, like me, are either in a difficult or perhaps dark moon phase of awakening, or sometimes wonder if you can make it through to the other side. I am here to say you can!
Kundalini awakening has transformed my life, from a disjointed, chaotic and traumatized process, a life that I lived much more unconsciously, to something that is centered and grounded in embodied awareness, love and deep calm that informs every day. Yet I didn’t know amidst the wild throes of awakening that such a transformation would finally arrive or ever complete. The outcome for much of the journey felt completely uncertain.
I can see without Kundalini my gifts would have lurched from one expression to the next without a lot of congruency, with simply a desperate hope that they could be meaningful.
Kundalini has restored me to who I really am, and allowed my deeper potentials to blossom in a way I doubt they ever would if I had not gone through the fire of Kundalini. I would be stumbling. My gifts would be a tip of the iceberg, poking out of the ocean of my capacity, not liberated to shine and offer their fullness.
In the midst of the Kundalini journey I had no idea if I would succeed. This at times torturous and demanding process, would it give back to me as much as I was having to feed it, with every element, energy and part of my life? Kundalini was a very hungry and divine process in my life and I had to put a lot of my normal way/s of being, my worldly expectations of my life, and my hopes on the bonfire and let them burn in the hope that something phoenix-like would arise and bring me forward.
In the background at the start of awakening I had just a Transcendental Meditation practice and a mantra to chant that I had received from Amma, this was the grounding in my life, but I had no accessible teacher, only this. In therapy, I focused on my trauma healing.
All around me in my 30’s my friends were in good careers, buying houses, and getting married, and while I went to the weddings, housewarmings, and baby showers and I celebrated my friends’ career milestones, what I was in was a strange process of continually putting my life on the bonfire. And bowing to the bonfire with a lot of trust, while my critic whispered in my ear that I was insane, and why wasn’t I doing what my friends were doing?!
I lived in fear and hope!
I did not have a teacher, a hand to hold, or loads of friends who understood what I was going through (but I did have some who lovingly held space for me, thank you!) and Kundalini just kept going. When I looked at the mostly male teachers around me, at their very masculine up-and-out awakening process, I recognized that what had happened to me was completely different. Almost the opposite.
My awakening was fully embodied, it first went out but then returned down and through every cell of my being and has never stopped doing that.
While everyone was talking about emptiness, awakening for me was an embodied fullness – experiencing intimacy with everything through both awareness and body. This has never changed.
Some part of me felt like my style of awakening was not as important as the glamorous Vedanta process, yet it was where awakening was taking this life and this body.
I kept trusting.
Inside the energy of Kundalini, I could feel a map, but not a visual map. I could feel that when I put another thing on the bonfire, the map told me I was doing the right thing even though the world judged me for doing the wrong.
I did not tell many people what I was going through, I felt it better to keep it a quiet process, run a healing practice and keep this quest to myself.
There was nothing conventional about this phase of my life and there were no huge signals that it was going to work out. There was this subtle, intuitive map and this pull of Kundalini on my heart, to keep going, to keep trusting that this was the path of my life, that I was doing the right thing even when it looked like the wrong thing.
In early 2009, all those risks I had taken, all that effort and dedication paid off, and my Kundalini completed. It has not been all bells and whistles since then, there was significant work to integrate that I continued to show up for. And still do as needed.
Over the years Kundalini has rebuilt me from the foundation of the Sacred Feminine embodied awakening, warm, nectar-like, deeply inside and enriching me in every moment.
She has returned me to a financially successful business, one I doubt I would have had before her. She has given me the capacity to serve others with an unquestioned embracing of who they are, something I would not have been capable of before. She has reminded me of the infinite sense of welcoming that exists inside me today.
She has taken me to a place of simple humility, that I love in every moment. To dwell in a humble, earth-anchored awareness.
One of the most precious gifts of Kundalini awakening has been clarity – it has pulled away programming and conditioning, so many trauma-colored lenses, dissolving bad habits and grasping needs. All of which is a phenomenal effort by a divine energy inside my body, and her demand that I serve this clarification process in every moment since I was in my mid-20s. Half a lifetime.
The clarity that she has given me feels like a mountain inside of me that I don’t move from often partly because it feels so good to stay in that clarity and also because it is immediately painful if I do. It will be expensive to move away from it, and it feels good to sit in that clarity.
In many ways I never imagined it possible, looking back on all the agony, tears, terrors and heartache of going through the Kundalini process, that it would be totally worth it.
The most important things she has given me are infinite resources within – wisdom, love, care, insight, and the knowledge with which I can do my life purpose – which is to serve and serve you.
What she has crafted in me, beyond strength, resilience and enduring capacity to be with other people, is generosity. The generosity she has seeded and birthed does not belong to me but has anchored itself in me. It shines as a source of gratitude for what is possible when we allow ourselves to awaken, for what is possible when we take the crazy risks that make no sense when backdropped by the rest of the everyday world.
I write this to those of you in moments of uncertainty of loss and struggle who are battling difficult things or for whom Covid has taken what seems like everything.
For those of you in awakening or kundalini processes that ask of you the transformation of great pain, I want you to know that I have been there too. Keep going, keep trusting yourself and know that even in the dark moments, it is very, very much worth it. Our wounds become doorways, through which our Divine ally and the sacred light beyond us shine through.
Even at this moment, I am with you, whispering to you.
My hands are still warm with memories of the bonfire. And even recently, I find myself feeding the bonfire elements of my current life, all over again.
And I am better for it, truly, I am.
Where are you in the Kundalini Awakening process right now?
Or in life?
What are you pulled to surrender on that sacred bonfire, or what insights shine through?
Please share below. I would love to hear from you.
12 Comments
yes yes yes to all of it. you call yours a kundalini awakening, mine was a dark night of the soul, followed by multiple ego deaths. but, i did have a kundalini awakening. one night, this unrecognizable little arm was crawling across my stomach like a cobra & woke me up out of my sleep & that was sheer terror for me, as i didn’t recognize the arm. i thought, who could that be in the bed with me, bcus i went to sleep alone. only to feel the chill of more terror, when i looked over & no one was there. so i picked the arm up, only to realize, from the sensation of touch, that it was my arm. then, i realized the automatic function of my brain, along with the kundalini was orchestrating this. hands down, it was 1 of the scariest moments of my life. pain wasn’t accompanied by this experience, nevertheless, the pain, the unknown & work you speak of i too experienced, during my dark night of the soul. prior to these awakenings, i had been living an egoic existence, albeit in a 4d reality of doing, striving & gaining momentum in spirituality, for 34 years, before my life took a sudden & drastic turn. spirit led me into the most excruciating pain, reconnecting with my shadows & abandonment wound. when i finally came out of it, some 7 months later, i had been ushered thru what felt like an innergetic initiation & into the 5d portal. this is when life got good. i had been gifted with unconditional love & no separation consciousness. ever since then, i’ve been experiencing life in the now, synchronicity & alignment like never before, from a beginner’s mind, seemingly almost by default, except for when my mind seeks to control, or fear attempts to navigate, by way of expectations & attachment to outcomes. then, as soon as i notice that i’m not present, the fear dissipates & i continue to affirm & trust the universe’s perfect outcome & timing. embodying this knowing is all still new to me, but as i practice letting go, allowance is becoming more & more the air i breathe.
Dearest Serena,
Thank you for sharing your power path, your multi-faceted awakening and kundalini ignition too, this whole share vibrates the truth of where you have traversed and what has emerged as a blessing and result of your courage and resilient spirit on the dark night of the soul path. Your light, truth, power and living in presence is so alive here! Wow. You are a true soul warrior and I am glad we have met.
Sending you big love sister,
Myree x
Thank you Myree for ‘misting’ my eyes. This beautiful intelligence, this mighty force, this love. Three years into a Kundalini awakening and my story is quite similar to yours.
Much love and deep gratitude,
Dannette
Dearest Dannette,
What a beautiful message and honour to “mist” your eyes gently in recognition of your own sacred awakening path here too. It is such medicine to find ourselves mirrored and assured within each other’s paths.
This was the purpose of this sharing, so I am so happy and touched in my heart too.
Sending love to you and your precious awakening,
Myree x
Thank you for this… I have equals days of good, scared and exhausted. I sometimes feel like I loose hours. onward and updward
Oh I so meet you in this, and what a year it has been: 2022 = intense! Sending blessings to your upward and onward as we emerge from Her wild throes. Big love dearest Katherine!
This email gives me so much HOPE
I am so glad, sending love and sparkles to grace your hope dearest Rachel. MWAH!
Myree, your article has touched me in a place that so need: Clarity.
Clarity comes to me fleetingly only to be overcome by old habits and “the comfort of the familiar”.
I long for thcalm, comfort and CLARITY of my awakening process in kundalini.
Terri ❤️❤️
Dearest Terri, thank you for sharing and I stand beside you in both your longing and calling to clarity. It is both already arriving and more on the way.
Honouring you and sending big love!
Myree x
WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH SCARED ME TO READ BECAUSE I MIGHT HAVE TO DO THAT. THEN I REALIZED I WENT THROUGH MY OWN DARK NIGHT EXPERIENCE FOR 4 YEARS , EVEN BEING SUICIDAL TO GET RELIEF, BUT I FELT A PULL , HAULING ME THROUGH IT, AND NOW , YEARS LATER , I SEE HOW IT BROUGHT ME THROUGH EXTREME TRAUMA, TO A DEEP KNOWING THAT IT WAS PART OF MY LIFE THAT HAD A BIG PURPOSE. MY HESITATION NOW IS THAT I WANT TO PLAY SMALL AND JUST ENJOY LIFE, BUT I FEEL CALLED TO BRING OTHERS TO THEIR HEALING PLACE, BUT I CANNOT BUDGE FROM MY SAFE PLACE BECAUSE I’VE NEVER BEEN SAFE BEFORE. I JUST WANT TO BREEZE THROUGH MY OLD AGE BUT SOMETHING, SOMETHING, JUST WON’T LET ME GO AND PRODS ME TO GIVE THE DIVINE LOVE I’VE RECEIVED BEFORE I LEAVE
Dearest Carole,
Thank you for your courageous sharing, personal recognition and taking a stand that instead of only breezing through old age, you are also stepping into sharing your big love, your healing light and your own magic in broader ways, you are willing to grow and flourish and expand your knowing of who you are. See you in Spirit Magic lovely!
Big love,
Myree x